These Pieces Don't Fit
by Ellixer
Summary: Third in my Pieces series. Please read in order or you will be confused. This story is from Xena's POV.
1. Chapter 1

Title: These Pieces Don't Fit

Rating: M

Author: Ellixer

Pairing: X/G

Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.

Note: **Third in my Pieces series. Please read in order or you will be confused. This story is from ****Xena's POV****.**

It's been weeks now, but the anger and the pain have only seemed to grow within me. I don't want to become the person I used be, but if that's what it takes to kill that bastard, then I welcome it with open arms.

When I close my eyes I see him, my Solan. Caesar didn't just have him killed, he had him crucified. A boy whose only crime was that I am his mother. He hung there, all the color drained from his body; dried blood streaking across his skin. The village could only stand and mourn as they watched helplessly. A few centaurs had been killed, but the contingent of Romans was large enough to hold most off.

I tried to get him down, to breathe life back into his small frame, but there was nothing I could do. The villagers stared at me with cold hatred, knowing it was all my fault. But my grief was soon overcome by sheer hatred. The only thing that kept me from going after Caesar then was Hercules. I barely remember the trip back, I've barely closed my eyes or thought of anything but killing that bastard.

Sigh. Gabrielle. I've been training with her for hours on end, but other than that I've kept my distance. I'm not sure why I'm even doing this, but a part of me doesn't want to leave her again. Every time I leave nothing but grief follows in my wake. She may be the only thing keeping me from slipping fully into warlord mode; and that knowledge is what keeps me here. I want to look at her the way I used to, to feel love more than anger, but I can't.

'Xena?' My name is always a question and a whisper these days. My answer? Long stokes down the length of my sword with my wet stone. Despite the noise I'm making, I can hear her breathing as she stands just a few feet away. She's kept Cle out of my sight; keeps herself to a distance. Sometimes I think I see fear in her eyes, but mostly I see sadness; I can hear it every time she talks.

My mother tried at first to reach me, but now I'm all alone as they stand as a group leering at me with sad eyes. I can't stand it; it only makes my blood boil more.

'Xena?' Usually she gives up after awhile if I just ignore her.

'You can't keep shutting us out. Shutting me out.' I can hear the tears in her voice but I refuse to let her know I'm listening.

'I love you.' She's gone again, though she hasn't gone far. She's standing outside the light of the fire watching me with tears that glisten in the muted light. Usually she just leaves but tonight she seems focused on getting something out of me.

'You shouldn't come.' I finally manage, my voice sounding strange in my own ears. I'm leaving tomorrow. I've been getting news on Caesars movements, and I think he may finally be where I want him.

'I have to.' I'm in no mood to argue with her, I know she'll follow no matter what. I lean my forehead on the hilt of my sword, sighing as I close my eyes. I feel defeated and this needs to change.

Her footsteps are once again moving towards me, slow and shuffling, as if afraid I'll attack if she comes too close. Soon her hand is on my cheek; I open my eyes to see her crouched in front of me, green eyes shimmering. I expect her to say something, to tell me some more how I'm shutting her out. But she doesn't say anything as she gently tugs the sword from my hands. Callused fingers trace across my lips, and for the first time in weeks I feel that flame inside. I grab her wrist, perhaps a little too tightly.

'You can't change anything.' I watch her eyes as I speak but they show only determination. My grip slowly loosens as her lips touch lightly upon mine. I feel my anger slip slightly as other feelings begin to rage again. I almost forgot how much I love her.

I give in to the slow caress and the deepening kiss. For just this moment I want to feel something other than pain and anger. Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her tightly against me; a startled gasp escapes her lips.

As we melt into each other, our clothes slowly peel off until we're lying in the grass under the moonlight.


	2. Chapter 2

Note: I want to thank all my loyal fans out there. I know my updates are on the short side but I still hope the quality is good.

I'm lost in this tiny blissful moment; truly and deeply somewhere else. My rage and anger is transferring into something that is just as deep in me and is burning every fiber of my body. It's like the first time we touched, a bonfire in my soul, spreading out to my fingertips in flames that race across her body.

Her lips are soft against my neck as she leaves little pecks up and down. There is this part of me that wants everything hard and fast; perhaps the only thing keeping me from doing this is the love that is seeping from her and slowly soaking into me.

The night lights up around us as if Zeus can feel the emotions we're emitting. The first few drops of rain are all I notice, as they hit my already sweat covered body. The millions that fall after them go completely unnoticed by either of us.

'Xena.' Her lips whisper against my ear over and over. It's like she's saying I love you, I need you, everything will be ok; just by speaking my name all of this is expressed. My fingers trace across the lines of scars that mark her body as my lips trace across her curves.

The ground is turning to mud beneath us, but we don't care. Our lips meet, tongues intertwining as delicately as our bodies do. This sweet interlude between us is all too brief.

'I'm sorry.' I whisper as I pull her shivering body against mine. We've pulled our clothes on, but the rain hasn't stopped. I don't want to pull away yet because I know this is possibly the last moment we will have like this. I have a mission to carry out and nothing is going to stop me.

'Just don't leave.' Her teeth chatter as she speaks. I know she doesn't mean in the physical sense, but mentally, emotionally. I also know I can't promise that I won't.

'You're the only thing keeping me here.' I can feel her hot tears on my shoulder as they mix with the cold rain drops. I'm not the person I used to be, but she is lying dormant inside. I'm afraid I'll let her off her chains and I'll lose myself to the monster inside. But also, I cannot rest until Caesar is dead. So do I sacrifice myself? I guess if it wasn't for Gabrielle, I would still be that demon with a lust for blood.

'Come on.' Gathering her up in my arms, I carry her into the house. Reaching the back room, we strip from our wet clothes and cuddle back together under the blanket. Cle is sleeping on his little bed, soft snores coming from his slightly parted lips. I feel bad. I've stayed away from him, fearing he'd only remind me of my own son. Looking at him now, all I can think of is the pain I'd feel if I lost him too.

'I promise we'll come out of this alive.' I can't let Cle lose his mother. Gabrielle squeezes her arms tighter around me, kissing my neck in response.

'I don't want to leave him Xena, but I also know I have to go with you.' I don't know where her utter devotion and defiance comes from. This simple little farm girl is braver than I'll ever be.

'You don't.'

'My path is with you, it always has been.' I think it's the wrong path. All I've brought her is bad things.

'Why do you stay?'

'You're my other half.' She says this as if it's a known fact, simple and obvious. I'm too fractured to have another half.

'Are you really ready for this?' I can't stall any longer.

'I'm not coming for revenge, I'm coming to make sure you survive this. So no, I'll never be ready, but I wont hide anymore either.' Damn I love this woman.

'You sacrifice too much for me you know.' I kiss her forehead, trying to stop the tears from forming in my eyes.

'I think I sacrifice just enough.' Her head turns up, lips meeting softly with mine.

'Is this one of those stories you're going to write down?'

'It's one that needs to be told.' I need to read her scrolls someday.

'I think your story needs to be told.'

'It is my story.' Her logic can be so simple yet it hits me like a charging minotaur. So I hold her tighter in my arms and listen as her breathing softens and slows. I will not sleep tonight but holding her in my arms is enough for now.


	3. Chapter 3

These Pieces 3

My mother looks at me with a combination of anger, disappointment, and sadness. She's shaking her head as her hands lightly grasp the bracers on my forearms.

'You don't have to do this, it won't bring him back. It won't bring you peace.' I want to say something but she doesn't give me a chance. 'I love you Xena, and I want you to come back here alive. You _and_ Gabrielle.' She emphasizes the last part.

'Mother I…' She raises her hand to stop me.

'I know you feel you have to do this. But please, I don't want to lose a child too.' Tears are threatening to spill from my eyes but I hold them back; all I can do is hug her.

'I promise we'll both come back.' She steps away to console Gabrielle who is clutching Cle to her as if her life depended on it. Hercules grasps my forearm in a warriors shake. He's smiling, but it's a dark one.

'Thank you for everything, I owe you.' I say with a thin smile.

'I'll keep them safe until you comeback.' I nod my head in thanks and try to walk away, but his grip is firm and unyielding. 'Don't lose yourself Xena. Remember what you've become.' His voice has gone to a lower more serious octave. We part without further words and I turn to see Gabrielle still clutching the plump child to her chest, sobbing quietly. If anything were to happen to either of them….. I walk over, taking his tiny hand in mine.

'You should stay.' I whisper, leaning in close to her.

'This is what we do.' Her voice is cracking.

'No, this is what I do.' Suddenly she's holding Cleon out to me and I'm doing all I can to keep my warrior façade up. I push against the surge of emotions and take him into my arms, his hands wrapping around my neck. I can't stop the tears that come, and Cle begins to wail loudly, confused by all the sad people around him. So here we all are, even Herc, just having one big group cry. I'm beginning to get on my own nerves with all this emotion.

It takes time, maybe even hours before we finally leave. Despite all of the emotions, it feels like old times, it feels like home with just me and Gabrielle on the road. The silence stretches out before us; me thinking about Caesar, and Gabrielle no doubt thinking about Cle. I'm selfish and I know it.

One thing drives me, overriding any doubts or fears I may have. But Gabrielle; she's doing this for me, not for her. The fear she feels must be overwhelming, and I have no idea what to say.

'So what's first?' She finally asks after an unusually long silence.

'I have to meet up with someone in the next town. We should get there just before sunset.' She nods; once again going silent, no questions asked.

'Gabrielle, are you ok?' Of course she's not; this is a stupid question with an obvious answer.

'No.' Well I have to admit, I wasn't really expecting her to say this. I thought she might say something a little bit more optimistic. 'Really, what is your plan for this?' Her eyes remained fixed forward on the road.

'I'll know when I get more information.' My plan is to kill him, simple. I usually go into things with an elaborate plan, but this time I just can't seem to see past my sword piercing his heart. Her continued silence is making me uneasy, but there is no way I'm going to let her presence distract me. Better to pull away, not to fall deeper into turmoil of emotions swirling within.


	4. Chapter 4

These Pieces 4

I'm almost sure she senses me standing here in the darkness. I wonder if every night I will have this struggle with myself, and if every night she'll wonder what decision I'll make. I want to leave her here and continue on my own. Why not? There are so many reasons why I should, but I know she will follow me no matter what.

The fire cracks and pops as I make my way into camp. She doesn't look up; she just continues to stir at whatever she's got cooking in the pan. I place Argo's saddle on the ground and ease myself down, leaning back against it.

Caesar has relaxed his guard a little, but he isn't a stupid man. He knows I'm coming for him, he just doesn't know when. Word is he has spies roaming throughout Greece. We're going to have to be careful, but once we're spotted he'll be tipped off and surround himself again. There has to be a way to penetrate his inner circle; that may be the only way….

'Xena?' Gabrielle's voice brings me out of my thoughts. I raise my eyebrows in question. 'Are you going to eat?'

'Oh, yeah.' I grab the food from her before returning to my position against the saddle.

'So I take it your informant didn't have good news?'

'What?' I'm trying to get my thoughts back in order, what does she want now?

'Bad news?' She gives me this slightly exasperated look.

'Oh, yeah. Caesar is no fool Gabrielle. He has men everywhere looking for me, there are bounties on me, and I have to be careful who I trust.' I pick at the piece of fish.

'You mean we.'

'What?' I feel a lecture coming on.

'We, Xena.' But there is no lecture, her statement is simple and without anger. She gets up, walking out into the trees to wash the pan and discard the scraps. What am I doing to her? I toss the scraps of my food into the fire. This mission cannot be about us, it can't be about me. It's about my son. It feels like my heart stops beating and my lungs stop working. It's hard to think about him, to say his name without my body collapsing within itself.

I need strength to get through this; I need the hatred to flow. So I think of how I found him that day; the way his tiny body looked. I think of the life he cannot have, the one that has been taken away from him. This heat builds up in me; as my tears flow so does the anger. A primal growl tares through my throat and into the night air. The tears are gone; but this hatred, this anger that has replaced it; it feels so good.

Gabrielle returns a few moments later and I can tell by the look on her face she knows she has lost. She heard me release the conqueror, the warlord, the beast within me. Standing at the edge of the firelight she is not surprised to see the warlord is now in the camp; her lover gone, possibly forever.

'You might as well leave.' I can't seem to help the wicked grin that crosses my face.

'Why would I do that?' She asks; voice cold. She's finding it hard to look at me, and I like that.

'You've failed. I let her win, I let the darkness out. I can't do this without my darkness.' It's like I'm pleading; why can't she understand what I have to do?

'I'm here to bring you back Xena.' She finally looks up at me, her eyes always seem to glisten. That glistening always gets me, pulls at me. 'I always knew you'd use it, I just want to make sure I don't lose you.' I hate her. Something about her pulls me away from that serious evil form I used to be. I turn my head to the side, cracking my neck and sighing in frustration. The rage is still flowing, but for some reason Gabrielle dilutes it. I should leave.

'Xena, I know you don't want me here, but I will follow you.' What is she, reading my damn mind?

'You are not going to stop me.' I growl at her, but it doesn't seem to have its intended effect.

'I haven't so far.' She begins laying out a bedroll nonchalantly on the far side of the fire. Her attitude of defiance without anger is beginning to grate on me. I watch the tiny woman whom I love, across the fire. Even when I try to let the beast free, Gabrielle manages to hold me back. To think, I destroyed people like her. How different this world would be if I hadn't.

The journey alone might destroy me; let alone what will happen when Caesar and I meet. It's been barely a day and I already feel tortured beyond anything I have endured before. I can't seem to fully grasp a firm hold on my dark soul, Gabrielle won't let me go.


	5. Chapter 5

The Pieces 5

There were times when I would have raised hell and killed everything in my path. My own self growth keeps me anchored in some semblance of good, but it's not stopping me from lusting for the kill. I picture my blade slicing through Caesars neck, the blood that flows over me.

As we draw closer and closer I know I'm only putting myself into his hands willingly. I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of dying before I can watch the life leave his eyes. I'm painfully aware of what I'm going to do to Gabrielle. I don't know if everything is my fault, or if she is to blame, but the outcome of this will be on my soul.

The silence is consuming me; I'm torn by this deep need to hold her in my arms, and the desire to push her as far away from me as possible. I'm losing myself in the depths of my own darkness. I know what I have to do and I don't think I'll be coming back from this.

The warmth of the fire is lost on me. I watch her figure on the other side of the flickering light, eyes staring into the flames. I can feel the shift inside as I make my decision.

I move to where she sits, my heart pushing up into my throat. Her eyes look up at me, seeing through me; seeing something I can't see. Crouching down in front of her, I reach my hand out, just barely touching her cheek. A red flush creeps over her body as it stiffens under my touch. I can see it in her face; she knows every thought running through my head.

'Please Xena.' She begs in a whisper, tears begin to drift slowly down her cheeks.

'I have to.' My thumb traces across her bottom lip.

'I'll bring you back.' Her voice cracks as she holds down a sob.

'I don't know if you can.' I'm having a hard time swallowing.

'There's too much good left in you.' For a moment I want to believe her.

'I love you.' Despite everything, this is one emotion that overpowers everything. I grasp her face in my hands, bringing my lips to hers. 'Promise me you'll go back. Promise me you'll let go.' My forehead presses against hers.

'I can't.' Her lips whisper against mine; fingers grip into my arms.

'Your son needs you.'

'He's your son too.' But he can live without me; he can't live without his own mother. She bursts up to her feet, anger rippling under her skin. 'You can't do this alone Xena. I've come this far with you, I'm not giving up now.'

'But it wouldn't be giving up, it would be living.' I stand, my hands grasping her waist, pulling her to me.

'I'm not going to let you just go and get yourself killed.' Her eyes narrow at me.

'So what do I do then?' I ask sincerely. What else can I do?

'I don't know, but not this.' She shakes her head, looking down in defeat. We both grow silent; the forest holds its breath as well, waiting for us to speak. It should be easy for me to walk away; to die for the sins I've committed.

I pull her against me, wrapping my arms around her smaller form. We are getting too close to the Romans; too close to a finality. I want to lose myself in rage and anger, but instead I'm here, crying silent tears into her short hair.

'I'm doing this.' The words come out of me in a growl as I push away from her. I can see the protest in her eyes; sitting on her lips but she can't seem to speak them. 'Don't follow me.' I have to leave now, I can't linger here or she'll win me over.

Quickly I round up my things, I'm going to travel light.

'Don't let her follow.' I whisper in Argo's ear. Her reply is a snort and shake of her head. 'I mean it.' I give her a quick pat before turning around once more. Gabrielle hasn't moved; her body locked as if frozen. The tears streaming down her cheeks are like little knives piercing my heart.

Then I run.


End file.
